My Americans: the state of my Union is strong. Strong like never before. Frankly, it was pathetic before — weak, sad so sad — but now it’s tremendous. Nobody’s ever seen anything like what I’ve done. People said, “Oh, that Trump, he’s all talk, just rhetorical style some called it.” And now they say, “Sir, America has never been as strong as it is under your leadership.” They’re right. It was a Biden disaster before, but in just one short year I demolished the broken administrative state and rebuilt it into a beautiful new Trump-branded America. It’s like my new White House ballroom. Have you seen the plans? It’s going to be a thing of beauty for all my wealthy donors to enjoy.

No one appreciates it. No one says, “Thank you, Sir, for fixing America.” But that’s okay — as long as I’m raking in the money. People ask me, “Sir, how did you do it?” Easy. I cut all that useless red tape. Gone! Environmental protections — gone. Worker protections — gone. Public education, well, almost gone. We’re working on it. Now our great Trump business leaders are making record profits and dividends, the biggest in history. Maybe in the world, if we’re being honest.

Still, they’re not all playing ball. Not yet. But they’re coming around. And the fake news corporations, the shady law firms — they’re learning, believe me. They either do what’s right for America or they suffer. Oh, they’ll suffer. I’ve got many tools, many ways I could make them do the right thing. But I’m too nice some say. Viktor Orbán — ever hear that name? Strong guy. Very smart. I like strong leaders.

But all those moochers? Not so much. We’re taxing them like never before. I just call it “tariffs,” and they cheer. “Sir, make China pay!” they yell. Marketing genius, believe me.

Our so-called allies — same story. They’re not mooching anymore. I keep them spinning in circles. That’s the art of the deal. Like my old friend Mohammed Ali. Fast Mo I called him. I keep them guessing and that keeps them paying. We can’t think of them as allies. They’re competitors. Or marks really if you are smart like me.

And what about immigration? Nobody gives me credit for the incredible job I’ve done stopping the invasion. I’ve rounded up more rapists and murders than even exist. More even than President Roosevelt. Think about that. We frankly pay way too much to house them in top-of-the-line warehouses. Some call them warehouses but they’re far more than these scum of the Earth deserve. The Supreme Court says I’m right — and when they don’t, I just ignore them. I’m the President not them, and I have all the power to do anything I want.

I’d like to introduce some special guests tonight. They came here illegally — work visas, supposed green cards, whatever. But my ICE — I call it “my ICE,” ICY ICE is Nice! — they rounded them up. They’re here tonight as an example. Stand up, Manuel, Sophia, and little Concha-whatever. Let everyone see those beautiful ICE shackles. I wanted to paint the chains gold but they told me “Sir, that is too good for them.”

So tonight we celebrate what we’ve built: an America that looks in the mirror and says, “Maybe I don’t like what I’ve become, but at least I’m strong and I have more billionaires than ever.” America is finally strong like never before thanks to me. And we’re just getting started. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet as they say. With your help, or without it honestly, I’m going to fix this crooked, broken election system that claims I lost. I’m not going anywhere — because frankly, this is the only thing that’s keeping me out of prison.