Tag Archives: Satire

Christian Fem Therapy

FemTherapyIf you are one of the many unfortunate Christians who have been cursed with the birth of a female child, take heart. We at Evangelical Acres are here to help you during this, your trial of misery and shame. Following on the miraculous success of our patented Gay Away™ therapy technique, our theo-researchers have developed a powerful new curative program called Fem Away™.

The process starts by recognizing that this abomination is not the fault of the father. As proven by science, all babies are born of women. And we know from our Biblical analysis that all women are unclean, demon-possessed, befouled creatures. During gestation the demons inhabiting these females tempt the immaculate unborn male fetus into a life of sin. Only if the unborn child consciously agrees to let the demon into his soul does he transform into an unclean demon-possessed female.

But take heart. Our exclusive Fem Away™ therapy can help. After a totally voluntary tithing that demonstrates to God that your previous life of selfishness and greed is over, our team of transportation specialists will locate and secure your female-demon child. These professionals are trained to resist the temptations and manipulations of she-demons and relocate them safely at an Evangelical Acres treatment center.

After arrival at our secure facility, nestled in the lovely hills of a remote undisclosed location, our team of highly trained Faith Scientists will begin an intensive program of demonic expulsion, or exorcism at it is called by lay people. These treatments will be augmented by a strict regimen of sex reorientation therapy, conducted by our on-staff clergy and a large staff of dedicated male volunteers. The goal of this treatment is to show the child the disgusting nature of female intercourse and reveal unto them the joy and beauty of male sexuality.

But it’s not all serious therapy. Your child will also receive ample time to enjoy herself by engaging in a balanced recreational program of cleaning, housekeeping, and cooking activities structured to prepare her for a meaningful life after treatment is concluded when she embraces her true male nature.

During the entire course of therapy which may last many years or even a lifetime depending on the stubbornness of the demon infestation, the leadership committee at Evangelical Acres will keep you closely informed of your child’s progress through detailed prayer-based communications. You can take great comfort in knowing that through your loving donation and the grace of God, we will ensure that your evil-tainted female spawn will eventually be transformed into the pure, sinless male offspring it was meant to be.